“GOOD MORNING SIR, HOW ARE YOU….”
The question “Good morning sir, how are you” is quite common in South Africa and irritates the hell out of me, but after many hours at the psychologist, the local preacher and my barman I am coming to terms with having to give a financial and health report every time I want to pay for anything at a cashier, before I hand in my Lotto tickets (surely anyone should know that you will only be able to tell, how you are, after you know if you won or lost?) when I stop for petrol, stop after being stopped and before being shot by a Metro cop and so on. I am sure you know the story.
I am currently only allowed to enter a certain Pick ‘n Pay in our area after I blocked the queues in the other stores for an hour or so, a few times.
All I did was to take my loud-hailer and a chair with me to the shops. When any person asked me how I was, I opened my chair in the isle, (the same chair I use for fishing) and sat down and after really getting comfortable I switched on my loud-hailer and started my speech.
“Ladies and gentlemen, and children present, staff and owners of this wonderful establishment, I would firstly like to thank for this wonderful opportunity to tell you all about myself. The person we need to thank for all this is the wonderful lady at the cash register (I won’t call it “till” as that may insult a union official and cause havoc in the area) for inquiring about my general well-being. It is an honour for me to tell all of you present how I am and at the same time try to prevent anyone else in this store repeating the same question to me again.”
“I still have to go to the cigarette counter, not for me but for my garden engineer (again a union thing), I have to pick flowers for the wife and would like to browse at the magazine stand and sincerely hope that no one there will inquire about my condition after I am finished here.”
“OK so where shall I start?” By now the store has come to a standstill.
“Ladies and gentlemen, I suggest you make yourself comfortable as this may take a little while.” Says I to all and their snot nosed children. I am actually impressed, people start making space on the shelves and start sitting in every possible seat.
“Let’s have a look at “how I am in general” before we deal with finances, the effects on me personally because of power-shedding, corruption, drugs (no I don’t use them – but I always get into an argument with a cop if I ask him not to take drugs as a bribe, but to rather arrest the person selling it) the price of fuel, that is still not where it was when the oil price was this low before. The fact that my car has no spare wheel, the fact that my son-in-law’s car also has no spare wheel, (I added the spare-wheel story just to stay in live with the motorsport website) the price of electricity and the fact that we are now even more limited when we dare to fly. I don’t mind so much being in a plane that falls, but to disappear from the face of the earth in this modern age and no one knowing where you went to – now that is scary. Nkandla, Zuma, the black Al Debbo – what’s his name again – oh yes Julihaas – will get their turn, but let’s get to……”
By now the shop has ground to a complete standstill. People holding onto their trolleys for support have moved closer to see and not only hear me and me? I am on a roll !!
The story flows through my health, my grandchildren, my Koi’s that died when we moved them from the big pond that had to be cleaned, to the jacuzzi. I spoke about my dog that has reached his last legs, the parrot that thinks it has to confirm everything I say over the phone and so on and on and on…..
The shop-owner knows he should not try to throw me out – definitely not while all the customers are watching. I may just as well for interest sake, tell you that it is not easy to throw anyone out of any place when you are alone and especially not if the person does not want to leave.
I had to throw a “homeless” (also a union thing) person out of my restaurant one evening many years ago and let me tell you, I almost had a heart attack by the time I got him to the door. Then when he pretended to fall on his face (much like a Bafana-Bafana player, every customer sided with him!
So, as you may have deducted, I was ready for the shop owner – and I knew exactly what to do to make that sort of thing very, very difficult.
My eyebrows have also not been trimmed for a while and not many people would have the guts to grab me and try to throw me out of any place. My side-hair was also standing up due to the wind – and as I carried my chair and loud-hailer I could not brush them into decency before my speech. The Shining’s Jack Nicolson was but a puppy!
My speech now reached the problems with financial institutions and the crowd was cheering. I mentioned Spar’s high prices just to excite them a bit more and did a fist up, “Viva shop-looting Viva!”
The owner and manager and cashier were by now on their knees.
“So you wanted to know “how I was” when all I wished to do, was to pay for the goodies I needed?” I asked again, looking straight from my sitting position into the eyes of the three kneeling with tears running down their cheeks! They shook their heads so vehemently that the tears flew over the crowd. “No” they indicated – “how I was, had absolutely nothing to do with them…”
Oh dear lord – this article was supposed to tell you about the new laws at the airport – and it should actually have started at the check-in counter with the young girl or whatever asking “how I was”.
Anyway – these days you check in like a professional avoiding the “how are you” question at the counter, at the self-check-in machine.
The machine says nothing, it asks nothing – all it does is confuse you when you need to type in the required information printed so small on the letter of confirmation that you need to borrow the person behind you’s reading glasses that hangs around his neck. Some people are reluctant to lend you these, but after looking at the queues at the other machines they normally hand it over to you hesitantly. Then sometimes when you put on the borrowed glasses both your eyes are pushed outwards and you see nothing at all.
It is then nice to announce “ha, ha, no sorry your eyes are in a shocking condition” leaning backwards laughing while handing the glasses back, “is there anyone around that has specs for people with almost normal eyes?” Usually by then some younger person will give a huge step forward, grab the letter from your hand and process the ticket for you within a few seconds. Easy hey?
Well after sorting this lot out and walking past the self-check-in queue where every person has something to say to you, you eventually get to the cattle grid where you walk exactly 2kms up and down isles to cover the 5 metres to the conveyor that runs through the x-ray scanner.
Getting to where I wanted to be, I always cringe thinking that everything on my camera, computer, cell phone and external drives will be wiped out by whatever rays they use to look through everything.
But we are not there yet!
I place everything onto the conveyor like a good citizen (a little aggressive – due to all the questions, answers and rigmarole – but still good).
The conveyor stops. Bells and alarms ring and wail.
The checker-in-engineer (yes, you have guessed it – a union thing) smiles and places his fists on his hips and pushes the pelvis forward leaning back against an invisible pillar.
“Are these articles all yours sir?”
I look at all the goodies I see on the belt and the solid surface before the belt and inform him that I believe legally the cell phone belongs to the company ( I don’t want to advertise Vodacom here) I rent it from. The computer was a present and I believe was paid for – the briefcase a prize I won on a lucky draw at church, the computer case I bought for cash and the camera bag……
”AH HAH!!” he shouts when I point to the camera bag, so loudly everyone in the area ducks behind anything or anyone they can find – thinking it was a bomb planter shouting the standard last slogan before pulling the cord – or whatever it was they pull or push before everything disappears in a bright flash followed by lots of smoke!
Silence – absolute silence – even the lady who was busy telling people over the airport intercom system to “hide their bags, not to leave any luggage unattended or let their kids run over the landing strips” – was quiet for a moment.
For once it sounded wonderful at the airport.
“Ah – Hah!” he repeats and everyone – now hearing clearly – got up embarrassed having showed their natural instinct!
“That is exactly what I am talking about – the new rules says…. “ he pauses, does a James Bond eyebrow trademark, lifts his fists closer to his armpits. “Tell me sir, are you aware that regulation ZCC323 of the law on airport and insect control implemented by ACSA from the 2nd day of February in the 2015th year of the Lord states that thou shalt not even try to take more than one piece of luggage – that one piece not exceeding the specified dimensions of 36cm x 23cm x 56cm and not weighing more than 7kg along with either a handbag or a slim-line laptop bag – one not both the latter, with you onto an airplane waiting to enter the corrupt space above our beautiful country. So pray tell me, what the hell is this?” he asks – eyebrows now out of joint – pointing at the camera bag!
I stand there – confused, still trying to sort out who the hell ACSA is and what a “slim-line” lap top bag is. Does mine classify as a fatty, slightly thick or is it indeed my lucky day and …..
Where the hell will I be able to force the camera into – I know the weight of the main “handbag” might be a problem – what now…. the questions flash through my mind.
At an airport – you do not pull up a chair, produce a loud-hailer or even raise your voice at the risk of saying anything sounding like – bomb – blow – up or down – and so on.
I am now tired of writing trying to warn you to read through the rest of this and make sure you do not have to try and eat an extra bag at the entrance to the waiting area of the airport.
So, how are you to you, and have a pleasant flight!
New hand luggage restrictions ACSA is implementing.
These restrictions will come into effect at all airports across South Africa and impacts all airlines and travellers from Monday, 2 February 2015.
“The new regulations restrict economy class carry-ons to a single piece with a maximum weight of 7kg and within specified dimensions (36cm x 23cm x 56cm) along with either a handbag or a slim-line laptop bag,” Mango spokesperson Hein Kaiser said in a statement on Thursday. All hand luggage exceeding this would have to be checked in and multiple hand luggage bags are no longer allowed.
Economy class carry-ons allowed
- A single piece with either a handbag or a slim-line laptop (not both)
Specification of the single piece
- Maximum weight of 7kg
- Within dimensions 36cm x 23cm x 56cm
Additional bags that have to be checked in
- Mango said it will not be penalising travellers for additional bags that have to be checked in as a consequence of the new regulation as it does not charge per piece of baggage within its 20kg allowance.
Passengers using other low cost airlines such as Kulula and FlySafair need to be aware of the additional costs they could incur.
Kulula allows one free checked bag weighing up to 20kg and one piece of hand luggage weighing up to 7kg. Additional bags require passengers to pay between R245 and R350
- While FlySafair tickets include a hand luggage quota, checked in baggage fees start at R150 for the first bag and R250 for a second bag.
Don’t say you have not been warned!